Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
