maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
