1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
