You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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