We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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