We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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