totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
