I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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