I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
