Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
