remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
