How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
