dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
