My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
