I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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