Say something about gay babies.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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