The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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