after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So squirting runs in the family.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So vagazzling was a success
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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