there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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