Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
