There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
