glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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