I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
