Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
