Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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