How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
