I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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