Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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