and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
