I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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