At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
