How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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