Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
