i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
