his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
