I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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