We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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