Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
