Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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