You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
