I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
