Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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