id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
