She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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