I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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