1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
