Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
