So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
