I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.