how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass