I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy