its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.