so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.