The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
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Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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