ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
