yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
