allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
