I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
