hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
