I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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