You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
