I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
