Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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