Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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