It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
